FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT.
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
[OFFICE OF THE ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION]
FINANCIAL SECTOR SURVEILLANCE.
[IT'S A SCHRODINGER"S LETTER. THEY DON"T EVEN KNOW IF I AM MALE OR FEMALE BUT IT IS A SAFE ASSUMPTION THAT I WILL BE EITHER A SIR OR A MADAM...]
Our Ref: Outstanding Payment. Your Ref: ..... Date: 27/05/2014.
As regards to the just concluded World Economic forum in Abuja mandating all outstanding payment owed to foreigners be settled/paid on or before the end of this 2nd quarter of the year 2014 to enable foreign investors entrance into the business scope of this country, we wish to state that your overdue Payment outstanding reflected in our Central Computer among the list of unpaid contract/inheritance claim and we have to update you through your email contact for your immediate confirmation response back to this office as your name appeared among the beneficiaries who will receive a part-payment of US$7.500,000 Million (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) and it is now approved for payment by the Federal Ministry of Finance .
[THEY DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT I AM BUT THE FEDERAL MINISTRY APPROVED $7.5 MILLION TO ME? AMAZING, THIS. ALSO, YOU GOT TO LOVE THE CAPITALISED "CENTRAL COMPUTER"...]
However we received an email from one Mr.Morrison Law, who told us that he is your next of kin and that you died in a car accident four months ago . He has also submitted his account information to the office department for transfer of the fund payment credit to him as your inheritor of the fund stated herein .We are now verifying by contacting your email address as we have in our records before we can make the transfer into his account and for us to conclude confirmation if you are dead or still alive. Please confirm to this office if you are still alive. With your confirmation we will expedite action on your
payment immediately without further delay .
[OKAY THIS IS WHERE I CRACKED UP BIG-TIME. "PLEASE CONFIRM TO THID OFFICE IF YOU ARE STILL ALIVE"? HEY, SCHRODINGER. YOUR CAT IS CALLING. AND YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IMPLIED THREAT OF "GIVE US ALL YOUR DETAILS, AND I MEAN RIGHTNOW, OR ELSE THIS OTHER DUDE (WHO WE ABSOLUTELY KNOW HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH YOU SO HOW FAIR IS THIS, DO YOU *WANT* TO GIVE HIM A FREE PASS TO ALL THIS MONEY THAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS?"]
Sir, we sincerely apologize for all your past inconvenience delayed in paying your fund to your account .
[WAIT, IN THE HEADER I WAS SIR/MADAM... NOW YOU DECIDE I AM A SIR AFTER ALL... WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?]
[AAAAND WE END NICE AND FOLKSY, NO "SINCERELY YOURS", NO FORMAL SIGN OFF, JUST "THANKS"...]
Alhaji Mustapha Haruna.
Secretary to the Accountant General of the Federation.
[GOTTA LOVE THE TITLE. POMPOUS ENOUGH TO COMMAND ATTENTION, VAGUE ENOUGHT TO GO EH, WHUT? THIS THING IS A WORK OF ART...]
I'd stay and chat but I have this letter to write to a Secretary to the Accountant General of the Federation (may he live long and prosper) telling him the rumours of my death have been grossly exaggerated and can I have my millions now please...