2) I have a watch. In fact, I have at least three wristwatches, in various stages of functionality. If I require a new one, I shall take steps to go and obtain it, and I do NOT require it to be a fake Rolex. I also have some 13 clocks in this house. In other words, I know what the time is. Go bug someone else.
3) I have no need of Valium, Cialis, Vioxx or Viagra. Or any other medicinal stuff that you are capable of selling over the transom. If I feel unwell I will go and see my doctor. My doctor will provide me with a prescription, if necessary. I will fill this prescription at a pharmacy of my choice. And for the last time, in any event, I am a GIRL. Just what the f*** would I want with Viagra anyway?
4) Along similar lines, I do not need my penis enlarged.
5) I am not interested in helping any descendants, bereaved life partners or lawyers of deceased Third World Dictators or Middle East millionaires struck by a sudden attack of conscience and philanthropy in their endeavours to "liberate" untold millions languishing in blocked accounts and only needing my magic touch in order to make the loot flow like water. THe next person who sends me one of these emails is going to get sent a wholly false set of personal information, and then I"ll sic the FBI on you. So help me.
6) I do NOT require a job at this point, thank you very much, particularly not one tagged "no experience required" and purporting to have me earn hundreds of thousands of dollars. I don't buy it. And besides, I already have a job, of sorts. Writing books may be more like a lottery than gainful employment by many people's standards (or so my mother keeps telling me) but on the whole I think I'll keep doing that rather than stuffing envelopes with MORE junk to send to MORE poor unsuspecting sods.
7) I KNOW I have not added a new email address to my paypal account, and I also know it hasn't been illegally accessed. I haven't sold anything on Ebay, so inquiries from "buyers" are going to get trashed unread. And telling me that my ISP is about to suspend my services doesn't wash, idiots, because I have a special situation with my email provider which you aren't aware of and which you cannot exploit. Trash, trash, trash.
8) I don't have a bank account in Washington Mutual or Citibank, and even if I did I would not click on YOUR URL in order to update my information. Duh.
9) I am not interested in the bloody stock market!!! I cannot stress this enough!
10) If I require software I will go and find it. DOn't clutter my inbox with offers that sound too good to be true. They probably are.
(Windows XP, for less than $69? You gotta be kidding me.)
11) What's this thing about Egyptian Trade Union Law Seminars to which I keep getting invited? If I admit to an interest in Egypt, it probably dates to the time when the mummies were real people who walked the earth - and they didn't have no trade unions back then. Or laws, such as we know them. GO bug someone else.
12)I am already in a relationship. I am NOT in the market for marriage. And if I were it would be unlikely in the extreme that I would pick a "beautiful Russian woman" for my spouse.
13) Do not send me email with just "hi!" in the subject line. It goes straight to the trash basket. I've set up my filters that way. You don't know me, and you don't get to be that familiar. (Aside to actual friends who might be tempted to do this - don't. YOUR "Hi!" message will go straight to the trash too, and I probably won't find it unless I flick through the trash folder before I periodically clear it. Think of another salutation.)
14) Do NOT send me all-cap emails telling me I've won the lottery in Holland or Liechtenstein. I KNOW I haven't. And I am not going to send you my bank details to deposit the non-existent millions. I am just not. Get over it.
15) Do NOT send me email telling me how much better I would be selling my product if only I let you jazz up my website. If you've been to my website, you'd know I am not selling anything there. And I already have a perfectly good webmaster whose sterling work I much admire. The position is filled. Go bug someone else.
16) Learn how to spell if you want to keep my attention for any fraction of a second at all. "We cure any desease" doesn't fill me with confidence - if you can't spell "disease" how can you possibly claim to cure one?
17) Nude pictures of Paris Hilton (or of ANY celebrity) do not interest me.
18) I am not a corporation. You can't sell me a "professional logo" in order to make my business "explode" (come to think of it, why would I want to throw a stick of dynamite into my business anyway?) - I have a letterhead with a bit of a graphic on it, which is fun, and I have no further need for a logo of any kind. If I did, *I* would design one. I am perfectly capable of that. Then I would take it in to a professional whose work I could oversee in order to have it rendered in a manner superior to that which I can lay claim to being capable of. I would NOT hand you my business over the transom. Get over it.
19) I do not need a mortgage. At whatever rate. Get over it.
20) Do not send me email addressing me as your baby, your little pumpkin, or any other such endearments. There are people who are allowed to baby-talk to me. You are not one of them. And even the ones who ARE don't call me "baby", they know better than that.
Does that cover most things? Please take note. I am so tired of shovelling this garbage out of my inbox every morning, and I really don't want to resort to the drastic step of changing my email address. Go AWAY. Just go away. Please.
Failing that, I have FBI on speed dial.