Without hanging around to find out if any of mine are getting ideas, I present to you my guest, Jim C. Hines, and his brave goblin warrior, Jig Dragonslayer. Uh, er, well, here's Jig, anyhow. Jim seems to be... a little tied up at the moment.
Jig Dragonslayer: Um . . . hi. My name is Jig, and I'm the "hero" of Goblin Quest and Goblin Hero, by Jim C. Hines. I guess he's called jimhines around here. Anyway, Alma Alexander invited Hines to do a guest blog entry, but then she suggested he write it as an interview with me. And that means I get to do something I've wanted to do for seven long years, ever since he started writing these stupid goblin stories.
Jim C. Hines: Hi Jig, and thank you, Alma. Why don't we start by--
JD: Now, Braf!
JCH: Braf's here too? Hey, he's bigger than I imagined him. Stronger, too. Hey, let go of-- Ouch!.
JD: Make sure he can't untie the knots. Humans are sneaky that way. Always escaping and killing goblins.
JCH: You can't-- Hey, that pinches!
JD: Three books! Not to mention the short stories. I never did anything to you. Why have you spent the past seven years making me deal with dragons and hobgoblins and humans and armies and--
JCH: Don't forget the orcs!
JD: You know, Golaka the chef has seventeen different recipes for human. I know a lot of warriors who would love to sink their fangs into some nice, juicy author meat.
Braf: My favorite is the barbecued ribs, spiced with fire-spider eggs.
JCH: Right. Sorry. You wanted to know why? I was trying to help you guys. Most stories are from the humans' point of view. Or else they're about elves and dwarves. The only time you see goblins in any of the stories, all they do is charge in like fools and get themselves slaughtered.
Braf: That's the first tactic you learn as a goblin warrior!
JD: Will you just shut up and make sure he doesn't escape?
JD: Even if you wanted to write about goblins, why me? Why not write about a great warrior or a powerful chief? I'm half the size of most warriors, and I can barely see without my spectacles. My own fire-spider burnt off my hair!
JCH: Ha! My eyes are worse than yours, and I haven't had a full head of hair since college! Whether you want to admit it or not, people love you and Smudge. You may not be strong, but you're clever. You've outwitted a number of so-called heroes, and when that fails, Smudge just sets them on fire. People love reading about that sort of thing.
JD: Speaking of that, Alma mentioned something about you getting paid for these stories. Shouldn't I be the one getting paid? I'm the one running away from hobgoblins and lizard-fish and giant bats and . . . well, everything, really. So where's my cut?
JCH: Um . . . why don't I have you talk to my agent.
JD: Oh, I plan to talk to him next. And your editor, too. But first, I hear you've turned in the manuscript for the third book. What exactly are you going to do to me in this one?
JCH: You know I can't tell you. I'm still waiting for my editor to approve the final manuscript, and people on LiveJournal get awfully upset about spoilers, so--
JD: Braf? Tell Golaka to heat up the big pot.
JCH: Of course, telling you there's a war isn't much of a spoiler. The book's called Goblin War, after all. Braf has a small part in this one, and--
Braf: What do I do?
JCH: You throw rocks at people.
Braf: That sounds like fun. I'm good at that.
JD: Braf, there's room in Golaka's pot for two.
JCH: You also learn a lot more about your Forgotten God Tymalous Shadowstar. You meet some new goblins, and also an old friend. Well, maybe "friend" is an overstatement, but--
JD: I hear rumors the cover will have me on a wolf. A wolf! Is that true? Do you make me ride a wolf?
JCH: It's traditional for goblins to ride wolves into battle.
JD: It's traditional for goblins to be massacred by the heroes, too! Look, just promise me this will be the last goblin book.
JCH: For a while, probably. I'm working on a different series right now. But you've got a lot of fans, so there's always a chance I'll come back and write another--
JD: Go ahead and kill him, Braf.
JCH: But it's a very slim chance! Negligible, really. Too many series go on for far too long these days. I wouldn't want your stories to get stale.
JD: I think I'm going to kill you anyway. Do you remember that scene with the carrion worms from the first book? For that alone, you need to die.
JCH: Wait! What if I make sure you get a new pair of boots? And a cloak! A warm one!
JD: With lots of pockets?
JCH: Sure, why not. And a shiny new sword to go with it.
JD: And could you tell your American artist to make me look a little more like I do on the Czech cover art? That's a real goblin warrior, even if the skin color is a bit off. That yellowish tinge makes me look like a hobgoblin.
JCH: I'll talk to Mel and see what we can do.
JD: Let him go. But remember, Hines. I know where to find you. I know an awful lot of goblins who would love to pay you back for everything you've done to us. They'll show you what a real goblin war is like.
Braf: Full of real goblin casualties?
JD: I hate you both.