April 3rd, 2007


it's a cat's life...

(with the appropriate nod to matociquala, whose cat conversations were an inspiration, what can I say?... [grin])

The yearly vet visit to check up on the munchkins arrived today. Here's a summary of the span of a couple of hours, in three acts.

Act I: The Herding of Cats

The cat carrier has been sitting in rdeck's office for a week now, so that Cat A and Cat B can get used to its presence and not get freaked out about it. Their vet appointment is at 3 PM today. At about 2 PM, I shut the door to the office (which already contains Cat A) and go and grab up Cat B, as well as a selection of bribes - dried catnip, and cat treats.

I deposit Cat B on the floor, and sprinkle a dash of dried catnip into the carrier.

Cat B: CATNIP!!! (dives into carrier, gets stuck half in half out - I help the back paws along. He's in. rdeck takes up sentry duty on the carrier flap.

Cat A: Eh? What's up?

I gather up Cat A and begin to carry her towards carrier.

Cat A: AAAIIEEE! No! No no no! Put - Me - Down!

She wriggles, I lose my grip, the cat skedaddles behind the office chair.

Cat B (from inside carrier): CATNIIIIIP!... eh? eh? whuh? what? where am I?

Me: Heeeere kitty kitty kitty! (offering treats to Cat A)

Cat A (eyeing the treats - which she ordinarily loves - warily): You think I'm dumb or something...?

Cat B (puzzled but interested): Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?

I make a grab for Cat A, she eels out of the way. I skitter around the far side of the chair and catch her as she comes shooting past.

Cat A (struggling): AAAIIEEEEEE!

Cat B (from inside carrier): Eh? WHuh? What?

I try to stuff Cat A into carrier. Cat A attaches her front left foot to the edge of the zip in such wise that to pursue the manuever might mean a dislocated paw. I haul her off, holding on tight.

Cat A: MONKEY! Stop that this instant! Put - Me - Down!

Me: Not bloody likely, sweetcheeks. In you go!

I fold the cat up over her stomach, and stuff her into the carrier upside down with all four paws in the air.

rdeck swiftly zips the carrier closed.

Both cats: !!!!!

I'm panting, but this took less time than usual, less time than I anticipated or allowed for, so we get on the road earlier than I thought we would.

In the car:

Cat A (soprano): Mwoaaaaawr! (=poor pitiful pitiful me! I've been abducted!!!)
Cat B (baritone): MAAAAAAOOOOOO.... (=where am I? why am I here? where am I going?)

Act II: The Vet Attacks

We're way too early but they let us wait inside one of the examination rooms. We open the carrier - Cat A is doing an impersonation of cat-in-the-box, popping up snout out of the carrier, eyes wide and green.

Cat A: Smells! Smells funny! Doesn't look like home! [winces at sudden sound] Noises! Noises not like home! Interesting! Where am I?

Cat B is cowering in utter dejected silence in the corner of the carrier.

I take Cat B out and wrap my arms around him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Cat A continues to be Interested.

Vet Assistant (VA) comes in.

VA: Okay, let me have them one at a time so I can weigh them.

Takes Cat B, who hangs in her arms limply, his face a mask of consternation.

Cat B: Moooommmmyyyy!

Cat A (pops head out of carrier): Where he going?

VA returns with Cat B and scoops up Cat A, whose face isn't so much consternation as affronted astonishment.

Cat A: HEY! I don't let my OWN monkeys pick me up! Put - Me - Down!

Cat B (in my arms): Whimper...

Vet finally arrives, looks into their mouths ("WONDERFUL teeth!"), their eyes ("GREAT optical nerve!"), their ears ("All clear!")

They both get their vaccines poked into their haunches.

Vet: They're just perfect.

Me (proudly): I know.

Vet (looking at my sweatshirt, where I'm currently wearing enough hair to make a whole another cat): would you like a lint roller?...

Act III: Coming Home

rdeck to cats, on the way home: Not a peep out of you! Did the vet give you a sedative along with your vaccines?...

We arrive home - in utter silence - and I take the carrier inside, and open it in the same room where we started. Before I have the chance to fully pull the zip back, Cat A is out of there and stalking off in a huff.

Cat A: About TIME you wised up, Monkey. FOr future reference, I don't LIKE being manhandled like this. You will cease and desist.

Cat B (slower off the ground, looking around): Waitaminit. I know this place. Weren't we just here...? Hadn't I just been given that catnip...?

Both cats, prancing around kitchen counter: How about some TREATS! You've tortured us all morning and now we want our reward!

Current situation: It's warm outside, so our sliding door to the deck is open. Cat A is stretched out in the sunglight with her snout to the screen. Cat B has just come to me and mrrrrowed to be fussed with. They've already put it out of their minds.

Me, I'm exhausted...