July 10th, 2005

Jin Shei Cover from sgreer

Spam glorious spam...

I've just taken a look at my email filters - it's an impressive list. The stuff I"m filtering on takes messages with the words or phrases I'm filtering on completely out of mu orbit, and I never even see them. And STILL I am getting more and more spam every day. Making more and more filters. Gah. So, to save time, here's an open letter - spammers, please take note:

1) I own my own home. It is paid for. I do not need a mortgage of any stripe at all, and certainly not one for $400 000+ for which I am "preapproved" even if I have bad credit. I *do not need it*, okay? And please, pretty please, let those messages of yours headed "THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE" finally actually mean what they say. Go away. Please.

2) To all the widows and orphans of various Nigerian, Middle Eastern or otherwise exotic deceased leaders, I have a counterproposition for you. I will open a brand new account, NOT with my current financial institution, under a pseudonym. You may deposit your millions in there, the ones you are desperate to get out of the country, or whatever. I will take a bank chack. Then I will take 50% of whatever is deposited and put it into my REAL account (the details of which, if you don't mind, you will never be privy to) and I will send you and your family a monthly allowance from the rest of the money which is in my specially set up account. I get to keep the interest. Not your cup of tea? Go away. (This also applies to variants of the above scam, which include the dying billionaire who wishes to expunge his mortal sins in this life by altruistically sharing his loot, and needing my help (come again?) to do it, and the lawyer who sends a letter with an actual name intimating that a client with the same name has just died in a car crash together with wife and daughter and since there appaears to be no next of kin YOU, the lucky holder of the same surname, have been chosen to receive his estate - that would have been a nice scam except for the fact that the dweeb slipped up and the letter which my husband received in email was followed - in the same email - with an identical letter bearing a different name. Moral of that story - don't EVER go to that lawyer, especially if you have a wife and a daughter. You are likely to die in suspicious circumstances...)

3) I do NOT require a "degree in two weeks", because I know that degree is worth less than the paper it's printed on (on stationery bought from your friendly office supplies shop, on the printer in your basement) For your information, I have THREE degrees already, one of them a Masters. In Science. From a University with an international reputation. Thanks, but no thanks. Any Universities queueing up to offer me honorary doctorates in literature... well, I am not JK Rowling.

4) All of you solicitously offering me pills and toys with which to "please your wife"... please note, I AM the wife. If you're gonna spam me, at least get my gender right.

5) As far as that goes, I am not currently on ANY presciption medicines. If and when that becomes necessary, I will deal it. From MY end. As and when I need it. Selling me pills for high blood pressure when mine is usually subterranean is actually laughable. Go away before you seriously kill me.

6) I already checked with PayPal, my account does not need verifying. The stupid requests to "verify my account" at financial institutions I don't have an account at, well, all I can say, you can't suspend a non-existent account - but if it rocks your boat by all means go ahead and try. Go on, knock yourself out. Just don't send me email about it. And for your information, even if I receive email purporting to be from a financial institution which i DO have an account at, I am extremely unlikely to click on the link in the email. I'll go to the web browser and go directly to their website. Better still, I'll phone them. Is that clear?

7) If I bought ONE thing from you a year and a half ago, do you have to send me email advertising every "special sale" you've got on? I found you the first time. By myself. If I need you, I'll go find you again. If you have to send me stuff you may send me a catalogue in the mail - that, at least, I can throw in the recycling bin unopened if I don't want anything in it. Cluttering up my email inbox is a much more annoying and serious offense.

8) DON'T send me email telling me that my "Sales will increase" if I list my website with your organization "for only [fill in whatever dollar value you choose, usually with lots of extra zeros]". Have you looked at my website? I am not "Selling" anything. Not directly, anyway. For sales, I'll link to Amazon.com or Powells.com or one of those guys. And for that, I don't need you. WHile we're on the subject, no, I don't need those eight million email addresses that you can supply, either. What precisely would I want them for? To do to others as you are currently doing unto me? Look how annoyed *I* am - how would creating the same degree of annoyance in other people improve my sales?...

9) THis goes for everybody - if you want me to read your email, never ever ever put 'HI" in the subject line. Usually people who "Hi" me don't know me from Adam, and I have now set all "hi" emails to go straight to trash. I may check on what's in the trash when I clean out that basket periodically. I may not. "Hi" me, and your chances of your message never having been seen by me are significantly higher. Keep that in mind.

10) I don't want to lose fat and get paid for it. If I need to go on a diet, I'll do it. On my own terms.

11)DON'T send me email with "do not delete this!" or "do not ignore this!" in the header. Those phrases are instant alerts for the message to be deleted or ignored.

12) Don't send me anything with "microsoft" in the message. Enough of those have been virusoid that they all get deleted without my even glancing at them.

That's just for starters.

Now I'll go and beef up my email filters again. With a bit of luck, the next time I've got a "You've got mail" flag, I will actually have mail - and not all the trash and garbage that some idiots out there cannot seem to stop themselves from generating. One of these days, dear darling spammers, you will become enough of a problem that people will simply start avoiding email altogether. Can you say goose and golden eggs...?

Lay off. Go away. What part of the "You are not welcome in this inbox" do you not understand?...
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